My HEAVY heart…

A few years ago I made this “crazy” commitment to myself to just get well. I lost over 50lbs and completed a Sprint Triathlon in a year. Training in the year leading up to it was one of the best times of my life so far tbh and I’ve lived a damn good life so far. Includes Disneyland twice! 🤣

I think what made me realize I needed a change last time was because I hit a rock bottom – I used my sons car to get dip from the fridge for my chips. 🤷‍♀️ Now that’s kinda funny and I chuckle a little even today but let’s be real – that’s sad AF if your doing out of pure laziness. I just thought it was a great idea since getting up to stuff my face with chips and dip was too much to ask as simply getting up off a couch for me at that time was a chore.

Now I’ve been out of shape before and in shape, and out and back in many times. Each time it gets worse and worse. Each time (but once) I have looked for these quick fixes. A diet, a cleanse, a pill, a shake, a song, a dance, an exorcism – doesn’t work. For me what works is hard work. I need to get to the point where I am willing to work hard.

I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and weight loss and working out and being active and staying committed to healthy eating and doing so in moderation has been super tough. It’s always something that seems to set me back. This past year I quit smoking- commence eating myself to obesity. Yup. I said it. Obese. Only my Husband and my GP knows just how unhealthy whether it be a number, body comp results or eye witness to my struggles – it ain’t pretty. 💔

Now, I haven’t written a blog in a long time. I haven’t even been out in public and I’m not going to anytime soon. I can’t even begin to tell you how devastated I was when I screwed my knee up from barely walking, playing a little ball and swimming a lap or two on a Sunday when I decided to be a little more active for the first time in a longtime. I get injured and gotta keep it up and now go to Physio. I feel like some people would just be like, “well it could have been worse, Just get over it,” and yeah I get that but ffs I had just finally mustered enough strength and courage to start again, give it another go and get ‘er done BUT friggen BOOM – too bad Em you can’t, your knee is screwed cus your super large now. My head says to me, “Your waaaay to heavy to move. Guess who’s fault THAT is…again. You best be getting used to sweating cus you gonna just be like this forever.” 😔

Can you believe that? That’s what my head tells me?! What’s more awful is the fact I listened and I’m still listening!

Waaaay downhill from there. Well if I’m gonna be a chunky monkey I’ll do it right- F#*% IT!! And then I put on 10 more lbs and become heavier than I’ve ever been in my entire life! 😶

It’s a spiral. Eat- Feel bad- Feel better- Feel bad – Eat.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Another 10 lbs later.

I go to see my family Doctor tomorrow. I can’t sleep because she’s gonna have something to say. Not that she’s going to give me a hard time, but I’m actually upset that she’s going to help me…..yet again. Walking in and getting her on board with a program for me holding me accountable for my own physical fitness.

I feel stupid.

Like a project.

Like a failure.

How hard is it Em? Simple shit here girl! Get up and move. Don’t eat crap. I want to, I really do. My heads is just so cruel and my heart and soul is just so…lost.

I just don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone and I’m sorry.

I force myself to put on a brave face for the people around me. My kid. The people I work with. The clients I deal with. Strangers I smile at even. The pics I post. Even my family ….

“I am great, thanks for asking!” 😃

It’s a lie.

I’m dying inside….

Em x

What do you mean I am not a good candidate for Bariatric Surgery?

Beside myself.

Just frickin beside myself. 

Like, who lets themselves get so large you screw your knees at 33?! 

I can’t even begin to convey how disappointed I am in myself. I knew that my weight was getting pretty high and I was packing on the pounds and my clothes weren’t fitting I was feeling sluggish and I needed to take my time doing certain things around the house like chores cleaning walking whatever blah blah blah blah – I never thought I’d let myself get the to this point. 

Today was pretty harsh. I knew that my weak knee (from a previous rollerblading accident) was not doing well and that my right knee had started compensating for my left knee and had started to get sore,  so I had an appointment to my GP when after 2 weeks of RICE, there was no improvement at all. 

So there really was no real injury to report to her. She’s like what happened? Well, what it REALLY IS – let’s just say it – is the fact that I ballooned up to almost 300 pounds in less than two years so it doesn’t feel real great Doc and I’m devastated  so I need bariatric surgery, stomach stapled, liposuction ANYTHING – I’m done! 

Well it’s a 3-5 year wait for bariatric surgery and I could lose the weight and more in that time, it’s a huge time commitment and the clinic is a 45 min drive from my house that I would despise- Docs not too keen on it for me! So doesn’t sound like she feels it’s a good route to go for me. She has been my family Doctor for at least 20 Years so I value her opinion. 

Hard work and dedication is back where I am at and now it’s something brand new- Physio.

It will be an adventure. I was really looking forward to getting back to training, walking, running, hiking, biking and if I let this little hiccup affect me too much it can take me right out of the game! 😞 

I gotta remember this is temporary. 

I’m not a bad person. 

I’m not gross. 

I’m not disgusting. 

I’m a good person. 

I’m strong. 

I’m loving. 

I just gotta keep swimming. 

Em x