The Journey Begins

 

Today is a new day. 

I feel like it’s Day One of a brand new life. I almost feel as though I am mourning this life I’ve had for the past 2 years of soothing my soul for a moment with food. In doing so I’ve lost myself. I’m a strong women. Dedicated. Committed. Helpful. Selfless. Yet, in the past 2 years I’ve been anything but. Full of excuses as to why I’m packing the weight back on again. Up and down. Back and forth. Been over a decade putting that kind of stress on my heart, my body, my spirit. Not to mention the slack my Husbands has to pick up with me unable to do pretty much anything but work or drive myself to a meeting once in a while. 

I’ll never be skinny. 

I’ve never been skinny. 

I don’t want that. My Husband sure doesn’t either. I want to be happy. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy, active and good example for my family. My Son watches me sit and eat. He asks me to play and I can’t even think about getting up. It’s a chore to get up from a low couch. He’s annoyed. Maybe even sad. What if he wonders what’s so wrong with him that his own Mother won’t even sit up to play a board game? Loud games were our favorite- still are. 

Even now getting out of the shower I see me, but I’m a stranger. I’m under there somewhere, I swear. I feel suffocated by failure when I look at my body. What I’ve done to myself. What I let it get to. 

The good thing is I’ve done it to myself and I have the power to change it. With the right system and the right support group I’ll get there! I’ll meet my goals.

Today I sign up for a new life. 

I will commit to loving myself. 

I am an athlete. Legit Sprint Triathelte 😉

I’ve always been. 

I need to find myself again. 

Here you can join me in my journey to find myself, love myself and discover watch me

Flail With Finesse. xo

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Tears are words the mouth can’t say nor can the heart bear…

As I get older, an aspect of life I struggle with is knowing more people. The more people I know the more chance there is of getting hurt and I’m not talking about people’s actions or lack there of.

Whether it is meeting new people and then missing their presence or expecting to meet them only to lose the chance to get to know them at all. 

I can’t even begin to describe the pain and heartbreak from learning of a loss of a niece or nephew last year, and now another. It is like your heart just starts to mend and then it gets shattered into even smaller pieces than before. Reluctant to start picking up the shards because then there is acknowledgement that its actually happened and it is reality. Hearing it. Seeing it. Saying it. 

Feelings that take your breath away- like your drowning, you wanna vomit and the pressure through out your whole body is causing your eyes to bulge out of their sockets.

What will it look like when our hearts get put back together?

It will be different and just not sure in which way. 

We will all be different.

It already is.

Em x

Sister Soulmates…

My Sister is a blessing in so many ways. Although I feel like her OCD and sometimes painfully annoying “smothering like affection” could be toned down a little she truly enriches my life in a very special way. ❤️👇🏼🤣

We have had our differences. Wait. We have strongly disliked each other. No wait. There have been moments where we despise each other. Days actually, weeks. We had even some bad years. I’ve often wondered why she’s given me so many chances to be honest to still even have her phone number since years previous to me getting sober I was probably the worst thing is her life. Well, 100% sure I was the worst.

I’d like to say that our relationship had been mostly good as kids growing up? I’ve made it up now perhaps? You’d have to ask her- can’t say. For me, besides the fact that sometimes I gotta bring her ass back to reality sometimes now, there’s nothing I don’t love about her-shes my heart. She’s my first soul mate. She’s my first best friend. She’s always been my Rachel. 👭💜

Now, not only do I get Rachel but she comes along with a great set of women that I get to call friends too. Because Rachel is so fabulous I get fabulous, strong, amazing, smart and HILARIOUS women that have my back too. They’ve seen us go through it all. They support her and love her and in turn support and love me. I don’t know what I would do has these women not been around – some friendships of over 20 years. 💜

Now she’s SO fabulous actually that she married this man I get to call my Brother now and he’s a pretty awesome guy too. Nothing but love for Kevin and I’m so glad she’s found someone that makes her happy. I’ve always wanted a Big Brother. Also, someone who finally someone who appreciates and knows about everything I did when was a kid! I was not painting my nails, playing with dolls and planning what dress I should wear.

I played video games, played basketball and wore the most wicked team jerseys, hats, TShirts and jackets – ones that I should of fricken kept! 💙🤦🏼‍♀️

Last but not least. Another blessing she doesn’t necessarily come with like great friends, but comes by easily is her talent for being obsessed and head over heals with her nephew! When Marcus was born, she stayed up. She changed him int he middle of the night in the hospital when he was born. She slept on a cot by our side. She filled my room with toys and clothes before he was even born. She is the greatest Auntie Ray Ray. She was his first best friend. 👩‍👦💙

Ray, I couldn’t want anything more than pure happiness for you in this next year. I had a dream last your dreams came true. All I want for you is that you get everything you dream of in life and I hope this next year only gets your closer and closer to all yours dream coming true. Love you. Happy Bday. 🎉

Em x

My HEAVY heart…

A few years ago I made this “crazy” commitment to myself to just get well. I lost over 50lbs and completed a Sprint Triathlon in a year. Training in the year leading up to it was one of the best times of my life so far tbh and I’ve lived a damn good life so far. Includes Disneyland twice! 🤣

I think what made me realize I needed a change last time was because I hit a rock bottom – I used my sons car to get dip from the fridge for my chips. 🤷‍♀️ Now that’s kinda funny and I chuckle a little even today but let’s be real – that’s sad AF if your doing out of pure laziness. I just thought it was a great idea since getting up to stuff my face with chips and dip was too much to ask as simply getting up off a couch for me at that time was a chore.

Now I’ve been out of shape before and in shape, and out and back in many times. Each time it gets worse and worse. Each time (but once) I have looked for these quick fixes. A diet, a cleanse, a pill, a shake, a song, a dance, an exorcism – doesn’t work. For me what works is hard work. I need to get to the point where I am willing to work hard.

I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and weight loss and working out and being active and staying committed to healthy eating and doing so in moderation has been super tough. It’s always something that seems to set me back. This past year I quit smoking- commence eating myself to obesity. Yup. I said it. Obese. Only my Husband and my GP knows just how unhealthy whether it be a number, body comp results or eye witness to my struggles – it ain’t pretty. 💔

Now, I haven’t written a blog in a long time. I haven’t even been out in public and I’m not going to anytime soon. I can’t even begin to tell you how devastated I was when I screwed my knee up from barely walking, playing a little ball and swimming a lap or two on a Sunday when I decided to be a little more active for the first time in a longtime. I get injured and gotta keep it up and now go to Physio. I feel like some people would just be like, “well it could have been worse, Just get over it,” and yeah I get that but ffs I had just finally mustered enough strength and courage to start again, give it another go and get ‘er done BUT friggen BOOM – too bad Em you can’t, your knee is screwed cus your super large now. My head says to me, “Your waaaay to heavy to move. Guess who’s fault THAT is…again. You best be getting used to sweating cus you gonna just be like this forever.” 😔

Can you believe that? That’s what my head tells me?! What’s more awful is the fact I listened and I’m still listening!

Waaaay downhill from there. Well if I’m gonna be a chunky monkey I’ll do it right- F#*% IT!! And then I put on 10 more lbs and become heavier than I’ve ever been in my entire life! 😶

It’s a spiral. Eat- Feel bad- Feel better- Feel bad – Eat.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Another 10 lbs later.

I go to see my family Doctor tomorrow. I can’t sleep because she’s gonna have something to say. Not that she’s going to give me a hard time, but I’m actually upset that she’s going to help me…..yet again. Walking in and getting her on board with a program for me holding me accountable for my own physical fitness.

I feel stupid.

Like a project.

Like a failure.

How hard is it Em? Simple shit here girl! Get up and move. Don’t eat crap. I want to, I really do. My heads is just so cruel and my heart and soul is just so…lost.

I just don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone and I’m sorry.

I force myself to put on a brave face for the people around me. My kid. The people I work with. The clients I deal with. Strangers I smile at even. The pics I post. Even my family ….

“I am great, thanks for asking!” 😃

It’s a lie.

I’m dying inside….

Em x

She’s in good hands

When you love someone and all you want is them to find someone that loves them just as much as you it’s a worry. ❤️

I’ve wanted to punch a few people in the throat on account of what they did or did not do to Rachel. I’ve been told I also threatened an entire club where she bartended. I just wanted to make sure she was safe. And come on…it was Cheers. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I ultimately wanted her to quit……I’m much happier with her wholesome gig downtown at the bank. 😂

So needless to say when she found Kevin I was weary. Like super weary. He worked in “film”….said nothing else. 🤨

He talked too much. He lived too far. She liked him too much. I was weary.

She loved him though. Like she was smitten. He took care of her. He let Rachel speak, off and on 🤪 lol. They had a lot of fun. She was never upset. His friends vouched for him. We met him. He shook our hands and looked us in the eye(Real men do that BTW) I didn’t want to throat punch him and in regards to his job – no, he was not a Porn⭐️.

Kevin was the one. He’s always been the one.

Rachel’s man came along just when he needed to. God made these two to fit together perfectly, I could not argue that and I didn’t want to. ☺️

Watching Rachel that day was one of the best days of MY life tbh. She was so happy. SO HAPPY. ❤️

Watching Kev was pretty amazing for our family as well. Seeing that he truly loved her and he treasured her as much as we did was such a gift! 🙏🏼

I wouldn’t anyone else for a Brother In Law. No one else and I am ridiculously picky with the men I let in my life. 💙

September 1st will always be there day they became “The Lotts”. Now… I cried. Wailed actually exclaiming, “But she’s a Wiebe! Rachel Wiebe!” At one point during that day. 😳

And then I realized that she WAS Rachel Wiebe, I knew that Mrs. Rachel Lott would now be happy for the rest of her life with an incredible man that would do anything for her and that I would no longer worry about having to throat punch anyone who messed with her – Kev would. 🤣

Happy Anniversary Ray & Kevin🌹

#happyanniversary #soulmates #wedding #perfectmatch #brotherinlawgoals

What do you mean I am not a good candidate for Bariatric Surgery?

Beside myself.

Just frickin beside myself. 

Like, who lets themselves get so large you screw your knees at 33?! 

I can’t even begin to convey how disappointed I am in myself. I knew that my weight was getting pretty high and I was packing on the pounds and my clothes weren’t fitting I was feeling sluggish and I needed to take my time doing certain things around the house like chores cleaning walking whatever blah blah blah blah – I never thought I’d let myself get the to this point. 

Today was pretty harsh. I knew that my weak knee (from a previous rollerblading accident) was not doing well and that my right knee had started compensating for my left knee and had started to get sore,  so I had an appointment to my GP when after 2 weeks of RICE, there was no improvement at all. 

So there really was no real injury to report to her. She’s like what happened? Well, what it REALLY IS – let’s just say it – is the fact that I ballooned up to almost 300 pounds in less than two years so it doesn’t feel real great Doc and I’m devastated  so I need bariatric surgery, stomach stapled, liposuction ANYTHING – I’m done! 

Well it’s a 3-5 year wait for bariatric surgery and I could lose the weight and more in that time, it’s a huge time commitment and the clinic is a 45 min drive from my house that I would despise- Docs not too keen on it for me! So doesn’t sound like she feels it’s a good route to go for me. She has been my family Doctor for at least 20 Years so I value her opinion. 

Hard work and dedication is back where I am at and now it’s something brand new- Physio.

It will be an adventure. I was really looking forward to getting back to training, walking, running, hiking, biking and if I let this little hiccup affect me too much it can take me right out of the game! 😞 

I gotta remember this is temporary. 

I’m not a bad person. 

I’m not gross. 

I’m not disgusting. 

I’m a good person. 

I’m strong. 

I’m loving. 

I just gotta keep swimming. 

Em x 

  

41 Years…Really?!

Married 41 years today.

My parents met on a blind date. They knew pretty much instantly that that was it for them. My Dad says he wasn’t stupid man – or maybe that was my Mom? ☺️ 

Either way, they were engaged in 3 months and married within the year basically. 

Since I am a “One Day at a Time” kind of gal I did the math and they have been together for about 14,965 days. That’s a long time. 

They have been parents of one child for 12,775 and parents of multiple children for 12,045 days. Thank goodness my parents have a healthy balanced relationship. I can’t imagine it any different – it would have been interesting as I was a bit of a tyrant. 😜

They have always shown a united front, been fair, respectful to each other and never once have I seen them work against each other- they have always been on the same team. 

My Dad works a lot. My Mom works too. All day she prepares and maintains his home, while he provides the means to allow my Mom to take care of all the rest! 😂 

It’s funny because I’m some ways I’ve married my Dad. Sounds weird? Yeah I guess. But the similarities are nutty! Their sense of humour, their personality traits, work ethic and demeanour. Another similarity to our relationships is the fact that soon after my parents met they knew there was no one else – basically Love at Sight? Yeah – I’d say so. I mean I’m sure it was for my Husband! 😉

So today is a pretty special day. 

My sister and I get to celebrate too. We get to appreciate the amazing example we were blessed with watching our parents demonstrate how it’s done. 

 

Happy Anniversary. 

Many, MANY MORE! 

Em x 

Any Fool Can Make a Baby…

These men.

These are men that further solidify my belief that a High Power is at work whether I choose to at acknowledge it or not sometimes.

When I think of these guys I think of how absolutely blessed I am to have them not only in my life – BUT one man that raised from the beginning and the other man will be with me until the end.

I also think these two are some of THE BEST Dads out there despite the fact that neither of them have biological children.

Yup!

Been my Daddy from Day 1 and since before I was born he made huge sacrifices for me. HUGE. My Dad worked and still works hard to provide for us-  Not only while he’s around, but for years after he’s gone. (Although I have told him to stop and start spending it with my Mom! lol) He has never raised his voice to my Mom, kisses her when he gets home everyday and has always supported her. My Dad is fair, hard working, God fearing man and I would not change anything about my childhood thanks to his commitment to our family.

My Hubs – well he’s a gem.

God- well we don’t talk about that. LOL!! 😂

Raymond would do anything for anyone. Works his ass off 6 days a week-  it used to be more. Since Day 1 took full responsibility for my kid and not as in, “Oh my new boyfriend is Marc’s New Daddy” right away, but because when we went out with the Babe he took it seriously.

 

 

Our first date he picked up Marcus’ car seat and I could tell he didn’t think we were playing house – it wasn’t a game!!! He eventually seemed to make that same type of commitment my Dad did, however I can’t recall the day – it was just the way it was for us.

Both of these men are LEGIT.

The Real McCoys.

I’m forever grateful.

Happy Father’s Day.

Em x

Aaaand I’m back. (Well moving in the right direction.)

Holy Crap!

First week and a bit or so and I’m feeling great!

Lost some weight and some inches and I’m feel AMAZING!

My kid came with me to my weigh in and it’s interesting because he’s not as amazed as I thought he’d be. Poor kid just wants me to have the energy to play with him.

Good news, I’m on track. Bad news is now that I’m feeling good I wanna move more and BOOM my knee craps out! Just when I feel like I’m making progress there’s a set back that stops me in my tracks. Trying not to get frustrated. Resting, putting it up, taking it easy- feels like like lazy again. Heads saying I’m a lazy ass!

Well, I’m not. Im moving and by left knee is weak from an injury years ago that’s all. Still, does not make me feel good.

On the plus side – my jeans are a little loose and I can at least glance at myself in the mirror now. Super quick glance and not at my body yet, but I’ll get there.

Gotta be kind to myself.

My boys are outside and I’m sitting here trying to be positive about my knee. Good thoughts make such a huge difference!

Em x

Been 24 hrs in…

 

Going from about 3500 calories of CRAP to 1500 of balanced nutrition and it’s gonna be tough.

My head is pounding. 

Second day and a Monday and work was brutal as it is always on a Monday after the weekend. 

Started mid afternoon and it’s now close to 9pm. So obvious to me just how unhealthy I’ve been since my body is really affected. I know it will pass and I’ll feel fabulous after! 

My dinner was delish- Buddha bowl that spoke to me and was just full of flavour. After eating bland foods like carbs and fats and that I forgot how flavourful the right combo or veg and lean protein and whole grains can be! 

Looking forward to tomorrow and hoping my head aches gone!! 

My kids happy I’m taking care of myself. Even offering to be my personal trainer – free of charge! 

He’s looking forward to a more active mom. Misses going biking and swimming he says. I feel good about that. Rather then feeling like crap that I’ve let him down I am praying I can keep that positive outlook with me!

Em x